


Lost But Found With You

by robertttsugden



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Closeted Character, M/M, One Night Stands, sad callum
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-02-07 09:04:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21455497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertttsugden/pseuds/robertttsugden
Summary: Callums thoughts after the one night stand, annotated with lyrics of Another Place by Bastille
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 1
Kudos: 25





	Lost But Found With You

_I am bound to you with a tie that we cannot break_   
_With a night that we can't replace_

It was different.

He can't describe how, but it was just different. 

In a good way of course.

It wasn't anything like him and Chris, and certainly nothing like him with Whitney. There was something about Ben that just made him feel different, made him think that maybe this was something he could have, properly. It gave him the courage to come out, there was a sudden burst of confidence that escaped him when he was with the Mitchell.

_I'm lost but found with you in a bed that we'll never make_   
_It's a feeling we always chase_

But then he realises it'll never happen, it's not as if Ben even feels anything for him anyway. Probably just a quick hook up, he's not bothered about him, he probably couldn't care less about him. It's quite pathetic really, he's fawning over a man who no doubt couldn't give two fucks about him. All while he's closeted and living with his girlfriend, it's the height of stupidity. But he can't help himself, he can't stop himself feeling like this, and that's the worst bit.

_I could write a book about the things that you said to me on the pillow_   
_And the way you think, and how you make me feel_   
_You can fill my mind and move my body with the fiction, fantasies_   
_Just call this what it is, we don't pretend it's real_

Sex, that's all it was. Just rough, dirty sex. He knows that now, but at the time it felt like a completely different story. The things he was saying to me, the way he made me feel. It felt so real, almost too real, too good to be true, which is exactly what it ended up being. Why couldn't he feel like that with her? That's all he wanted. To be able to love her like that, he just wanted to be normal. He didn't ask for this, he hated it. He hated it so much that he pushed it aside his entire life, only letting his mask slip the odd time, and this just happened to be one of those times. That was one of his only regrets from that night, it confirmed what Ben had been tormenting him over for the previous few weeks, that he was gay. What if he outed him? He was pretty sure Ben wasn't that type of bloke, but he can't help but panic, stressing himself within an inch of his life in case anyone found out his secret.

_So don't make promises to me that you're gonna break_   
_We only ever wanted one thing from this_

He was just doing it to himself, getting himself into this state. Ben could never love him, he's surprised anyone ever could, he got very lucky with Whitney, he doesn't know how someone as beautiful and amazing as her could ever love him and what does he do? He goes and cheats on her. Pathetic, as always.

  
_Don't paint wonderful lies on me that wash away_   
_We only ever wanted one thing from this_

That's all it was ever going to be, he'd never be able to be truly happy, he could never come out. He just couldn't do it.

_Oh, in another place_   
_In another time, what could we have been?_   
_Oh, in another place_   
_In another time, what could we have been?_

But how he wishes it could be something more.


End file.
